It always serves as a constant reminder of the lack of relationship me and you have.
It’s crazy though.
With the numerous counseling sessions I’ve had with my own therapists throughout the years, you would think I would have a better grips with this day. But unfortunately, today is no different from every Father’s Day of my past.
And it’s not that you weren’t around, quite the opposite as a matter of fact. You were actually in my life in its entirety, but not as my actual father. You were always referred to as mom’s friend that just so happened to be around quite a bit. But never to build a relationship with me, but more so to keep whatever connection you had with my mother.
However, I always knew you were my father. Charge it to my intuition or just being wise before my years, but I always knew…
The reasonings you and my mom had in keeping this a secret from me is still perplexing, but at this point in my life I give up in trying to figure it out.
It took a long time for us just to have the conversation of you acknowledging me as your daughter, 25 years to be exact. And even still with finally being acknowledged and somewhat given public displays of affection, it is still not enough to fill the void of your true presence being absent in my life.
As a child, I fantasized having you in my life. Pretended as though you were there with me at all major milestones I encountered. But to no avail, that would stay only mere fantasies.
As a woman, I am told to push through these emotions, look at the many father figures in my life and be grateful for their role they have played.
So let me be extremely clear, that I am more than grateful and thankful to God for the MANY MEN in my life that have stepped up in more ways than I could've ever asked for. They truly have no clue what their presence, love and support has meant to me throughout my 29 years here on earth! They have taught me how a man should love, honor, provide, protect, support, encourage, compliment, communicate and above all respect me both inside and out.
But it is days like today, when those same men are with their own families getting their proper praises sang, celebrated and creating more memories with their own children, that it just reminds me that there’s a piece of my heart stilling missing…
I am notorious for pretending I am ok and that I am strong enough to not let this still have an affect on me. But today I stand in strength and in my own flawed beauty to say at times I am everything but ok…
I never had the chance to be daddy’s little girl. And sometimes, I still long for that relationship.
I would’ve been pretty great at it I’m sure lol!
Probably could've had you wrapped around my pretty little finger lol…
So for this Father’s Day, instead suppressing and internalizing my feelings, I wanted to acknowledge myself and you dad.
I want to start off in saying, I forgive you for not being the father/man I needed and still currently need you to be.
I surrender to God the many questions, frustrations, hurt, sadness, anger I’ve had throughout the years towards you.
I allow myself to feel every emotion that comes to mind in association with you because they are valid and mine to voice out loud.
I forgive you for being my first heartbreak, instead of my first love…
And I recognize, that even though you have not been there the way I needed you, that you are still a good man.
You could never be perfect, but you were created by a perfect God. Made human with many flaws like the rest of us.
So naturally, if my Heavenly Father can forgive you of your shortcomings, then surely I can forgive you as well.
I would say lets try to make a valiant effort to have our relationship count, with however many years God decides to bless us with together. But I’m afraid my wounds are quite deep and I’m not sure when they will ever heal.
And like the men I myself have tried and epically failed at pursuing - yes I said I pursued them - I simply do not have the energy to do all the work made for two people.
So not only am I writing this letter to just forgive you, but I’m forgiving myself also.
This has played such a crucial entity in my life. And in order to make changes for the better within myself, I have to now hold myself accountable to not let this define me anymore. This includes being aware both intentionally and unintentionally.
So I forgive myself for allowing the excuse of not having you in my life run me into relationships and circumstances that I know were beneath me.
For chasing after men, while all the while knowing I bring a HELL of a lot to the table and that I am the prize worthy to be sought after and pursued!
For not seeing my own beauty until after the age of 25 and simply not walking away when these same men tried to treat me as though I was nothing special, taking advantage of my kind giving heart.
That despite not having you in my life, knowing I have a Heavenly Father that has always been the PERFECT example of what TRUE LOVE looks like… And despite the many times I have fallen short from His glory, He continues to love and teach me how to be the best person He has created me to be.
I am and have always been loved!
I’m just sorry dad you missed out on such a great woman I am still becoming.
Because God truly lives in my heart, I will forever and always love you. I just give myself permission to only accept the very best a man has to offer me and that includes from you as well.
I am making strides in the right direction and prayerfully I hope you are too.