So this by far still proves to be the hardest reflection for me not just in 2016, but for the last few years. If I were to be 100 % honest, I would have to admit I still struggle with trusting God with various parts of my heart.
I believe the idea of always wanting to be in the know or to understand everything is just a false sense of security of being in control of my fate. But when you think about it, in all actuality, only God is in true control.
It's funny how even as I've attempted to write this piece so many times, the words just wouldn't flow for me like they normally do. I got up early, went to bed late and still I find myself struggling to really convey this message to you. Clearly, there's still more work to be done in this area of my life.
Nevertheless, the bible specifically talks about how we should not lean on our own understanding, but in all our ways we should acknowledge Him. But this particular scripture seems to hit the nail on the coffin with regards to my feelings currently:
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
In the past, I prided myself on being able to figure things out. I could always find a solution to a problem. I was always determined to get to the bottom of a case to discover or confirm whatever I believe to be true. At times, I had a very black or white narrow minded mindset. And it frustrates me sometimes when I find myself unable to do so.
But thankfully the scripture above continues to bring me back down to reality. At the end of the day, God allows me to know and figure out only what He wants for me to know. Because He is so infinite in all things, I will never understand why He does things in the way He chooses. And throughout this year, I found myself struggling to accept this notion. I hate it when He doesn't let me understand everything on my timetable.
However, what I can say to be true is that in His perfect timing He always allows me to understand why His way is so much better than mine. How He is always protecting me from dangers seen and unseen. Most importantly, to remind me that He is my Heavenly Father. So like any good parent, He will always do what He knows to be right for my life even when I'm acting like a spoiled brat that just wants her way.
His word also speaks of, He will never withhold any good thing from us. So why do I feel the need to worry, stress or get angry when I find myself not understanding why things don't come together in the way I think they should. As always, the choice is mine to cast my cares upon Him or to rack my brain or worse drive myself crazy trying to understand everything single detail that life throws at me.
Lately, I've been learning to truly let those things go that are not meant for me to understand at this time. I can always ask questions or specifically ask for direction from Him; but ultimately I have to allow God to be God in order for His will to prevail. I have to remind myself often, that I want His perfect will for my life and not His permissive will.
Thankfully there's peace that comes with accepting this wholeheartedly.